literature

adam

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PuppetsPoisonInk's avatar
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Literature Text

he tastes like original sin, that first burn of alcohol down your throat. he touches you like dawn touches the ground, sweetly and slowly, but there's something too sharp there, something in his eyes and the way he sounds like guilt, maybe like that time when you covered your ears because the world was too loud. you're wearing red lipstick that's a shade too red but that doesn't matter, because the apple doesn't ever fall too far, does it, and he is always where you belong. you don't want to think about his liliths and their fig leaves, and eve has been too overrated a role for you to play. he tastes like god struck him down and lucifer embraced him in fear, something too holy and acrid for demons and angels. you'll drink his wine any day, you'll take his bread, you are too holy to resist the sound of crucifixes and sermons to an unhearing ear, and god knows he will taint you.
it's been a while since i've submitted anything, and i keep having religion soak into everything. blame it on the supernatural. it's fabulous, but you then start to get hooked on random parts of various religions. this is sort of based off of a character that's inspired by another character, and then, y'know, the bible.

as far as messages and symbols, etc etc etc, go, i'd say something about addictive personalities, enablers, beliefs... go with the flow, ladies.

don't ask too many questions. bad idea. abort mission.
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Comments46
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intricately-ordinary's avatar
I really loved the content in this piece. The symbolism is spot on and the message is abstract, but very strong. I have to say, though, reading through- I was snagged a bit on punctuation.
There are certain places where I would change commas to periods, and, if you were even open to it, I would simply indent lines. For phrasing, you want to have consistencies in the reasons you use various punctuations.
What I might do:
"something too sharp there;"
"he sounds like guilt
maybe like that time when you"
"too far (does it) and he is"
"you to play.
he tastes like god"
"you'll take his bread,
you are too holy"
"unhearing ear- and god knows"
(Take this all with a grain of salt.)

I also might change "sweetly and slowly" to "sweet and slow" to maintain a constant tone.

I hope this helps (: